I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
