Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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