dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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