Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
