THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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