we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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