the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
