u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Jerry, you need to find god
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
