I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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