i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
