The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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