For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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