If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
