her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
