I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
