I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
