i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
