1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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