I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
