to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
