some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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