guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
