I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
