He disabled his match.com account in front of me
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she pinky promised me she was 18
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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