if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
