while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We need to feng shui this bitch.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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