just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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