I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
