My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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