I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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