It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
