dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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