i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
