I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
