just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
