i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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