I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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