Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
