I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
