I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
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