She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
