1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
