i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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