god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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