I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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