I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize