There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
