I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
