if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize