A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
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