All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Randomize
