my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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