I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
