I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
