They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
