From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
