I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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