his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
