my phone needs a breathalizer
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
