My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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