Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
