who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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