Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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