I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
