i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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