I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
